Uncertainty

We are always told that when we have feelings for someone, we’re not allowed to have any doubts. Essentially, we are being asked if we see a long-term future with this person. In my opinion, society and the media should be equally blamed for this delusion. In this post, I will be discussing the unrealistic expectations placed on relationships due to the media and society.

The media is saturated with unrealistic ‘rom-coms’. The whole ‘boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy marries girl’ is repeated time, after time. Some attempt to move beyond this stereotypical depiction of relationships has been made, and we have ourselves to commend for that. The mere phrasing of ‘boy meets girl, etc.’ illustrates the sexist views embedded in our society, views that constantly prefer men (even subtly) and depict men with the power and control. This influences the ideologies within society. Men are seen as having to make the first move. God forbid, a woman ever puts herself out there. It simply isn’t right, right? 

In addition, the idea of finding ‘the one’, is something I find ridiculous. Romantic comedies generally involve a climatic relationship between two individuals (usually heterosexual; yet another underlying ideology embedded in both society, and the media, that we are fortunately moving away from). The result of this, usually, brief encounter is generally a long term relationship. More often than not, marriage. This concept is something I do not agree on. The media (and society as an associate) are implying that all relationships must have some sort of definite finish.

Now, this relates back to my original statement about uncertainty within relationships. In my opinion, no pressure should be placed on the future within a relationship. Similar to my opinion on open relationships (refer to: Open Relationships), I believe it is unfair to put any expectations on your partner. Trying to secure a future together is a simple method of soothing our own uncertainties, and providing us with something concrete. Not only is this selfish, but highly unhealthy for a relationship. Call me idealistic, but I believe relationships should merely be ‘in the moment’. Sure, this might not suit everyone, but I believe by eliminating ‘toxic’ aspects of relationships, such as pressure in regards to the future, and monogamy, the raw essence of a ‘good relationship’ is left. Aspects such as trust are set to flourish, and both individuals are in a low-pressure environment, where they can blossom and be their true selves. I would love to hear from anyone that has any opinions on this controversial matter.

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Fear

Noun: an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm.
Adjective: be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or harmful.

Today, we will be exploring both definitions of ‘fear’. The majority of my discussion will centre around “fear of the unknown”. I will be exploring the positive and negative effects of fear on a relationship.

While finishing the last of Orange is the New Black today, a thought crossed my mind. Is fear essential in good relationships? Does it ‘keep things interesting’? Take Piper and Alex for example, their relationship is founded on lies, complications, and fear. However, they both keep ‘coming back for more’. Is it safe to conclude that uncertainty is a must in any interesting relationship? I will be exploring two types of fear stemming from uncertainty.

The first type I will be investigating is the fear of being alone. As I have said before, we all crave companionship. We crave love. We crave attention. It’s human nature, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Preferably, it should be accepted and encouraged in a reasonable sense, in order to moderate these needs. It’s perfectly normal to want someone there for you on both an emotional and sexual level, if not one perhaps multiple people. This is a primary example of being afraid of the unknown. With this fear, we are scared of what the future holds without the security of our significant other. In my opinion, this sort of fear pollutes relationships. It can cause self doubt, severe insecurity, and jealousy. 

Secondly, the fear of your significant other leaving you, either for someone else or other reasons. Similarly, this fear also involves being alone. However, in a much less ‘clingy’ manner. To me, this is important in any relationship. When we are faced with complete certainty we tend to put in less effort, and adopt an overly relaxed attitude. Our significant other will be with us through thick or thin, why bother, right? Effort is important, it maintains the passion, it keeps the intensity. Personally, I believe it is because of this certainty that long relationships tend to sour. Without this, we tend to under appreciate our partners, and undervalue them. No healthy relationship can be maintained without respect.

Ultimately, relationships are built on respect. As we begin to fear loneliness and ‘latch’ onto our partners, while ‘wishfully’ believing they will always be there for us, we are ruining relationships. We are severely undervaluing our partners. Fear is essential in any healthy relationship. I believe that the greater the level of fear, within reason, the greater he unpredictability, the rawness, the aggression, that all contributes to a heightened level of passion.

 

 

Business Time

Time to take a break from all the relationship talk, and move onto something far more raunchy, and definitely more interesting: sex. If you have read previous posts on this blog, you will understand that sex is an important part of my life, and I believe it should be given a lot more value on an emotional level. 

For me, sex is more than just the act itself, it provides definition and solidifies your feelings towards someone. A theory that I have held consistent throughout my life, is that as soon as the sex starts failing the relationship is bound to go downhill. Having said that, this decline in the quality of the relationship works at it’s own pace, taking up to years to complete it’s journey. Sex is an important part of any relationship. Without sex, it’s basically a close friendship with some added intimacy. However, as soon as sex becomes a chore and is no longer a regular occurrence, warning bells should be flashing. I’m not saying that one night of being ‘too tired’ is a reason to question the relationship, however if this behaviour continues it may be a sign that your relationship is failing. 

What makes sex so significant? Coming from my experience in monogamous relationships, sex is something you want to share with one person. Without this level of intimacy, other forms of affinity gradually begin to wear away. This decline in libido could be due to various causes. You might not be attracted to your partner in a sexual manner anymore, it may be due to a decline in understand, or simply due to sickness. It’s a given that the amount of sex declines as the relationship matures, possibly due to the fact that it is no longer ‘new’, however as soon as the quality decreases one should question the authenticity of their relationship. I would be really interested to hear thoughts on this topic. How much importance do you place on sex? Is it essential in a relationship? It’s fairly obvious where I stand, but I’d love to know what you think.

 

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