Rollercoasters

Lez-b-honest now, when I said a while back that the post about the break-up would be my first and last, I was most definitely lying. The break-up has taken more of a toll on me than expected, and as a result it’s still prominent in my mind. The whole experience is something I would equate to a roller coaster: filled with highs, and lows, but nothing in between. Over the last few weeks I have experienced more emotions than in the last three years of my existence. Break-ups bring out the worst in people, but also the best. 

As a result, I feel as though I’m gaining a sense of individuality. Something I severely lacked during the Relationship. Though not completely, I am discovering what I enjoy, what annoys me, and what I ultimately want, without someone influencing my decisions. As I discussed earlier, the Ex and I have become friends, and I am beyond grateful for that, but, I can’t help but wonder if this is the most constructive manner to handle the situation. However, I feel as though I have gained the ability to be unaffected by people, and to rely more-so on myself. 

Unfortunately, that’s where the positive news stops. As I mentioned earlier, the breakup has been a roller coaster of experiences. Somedays leaving me sixty feet in the sky, and others much closer to sea level. Along with this sense of individuality, which seldom appears, I have strong feelings of isolation. I haven’t discovered if this is due to the fact of me alienating myself from my close, and other friends, or if it’s actually due to being alone, or if it’s due to them just not taking any notice. I am leaning towards the latter. The break up has left me feeling a hundred and ten percent abandoned by nearly everyone that is close to me. This might be due to the fact that I have very few friends that are ‘close’ to me, who knows. It’s left me feeling isolated on levels I didn’t think were possible, and that I certainly haven’t felt before. Perhaps, I’m being unrealistic. What, with having some sort of expectation of people to be there? Even though I’m not sure who. I’m sure this is all important in learning to build resilience, and all, but when it’s late and you have no one to talk to it definitely does not feel pleasant. 

In addition, occasionally I get the need for someone to be there, to fill the gaping hole. Someone to literally hold everything together, and stop it from collapsing around me. Fortunately, these occasions have become less, and less frequently, and I am more than fucking grateful for that. I believe I’m becoming more competent when it comes to dealing with my own shit. I think I’ll be able to properly move on soon. The last thing I’d want to do is bring all this baggage into another relationship.

Basically, the Break-Up has taught me numerous things. Firstly, not to ever, under no circumstance, base your happiness of someone else’s. Secondly, rely on no one. These two things go hand in hand. Be yourself, be an individual, don’t conform in order to fulfil someone else’s wishes. I want to travel, or immerse myself in something else, I need to desperately leave this state-of-mind. I am sick of being alone, and not in a romantic sense. 

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