Resolutions

In this post I’m going to be discussing the notion of forgiving and forgetting. What does it mean? Can it be achieved? If so, how easily? What other factors contribute to this?

As you are all well aware, my relationships are complicated beyond all means. Primarily due to my own doing. Congratulations Bek. 
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However, I’ve made my bed, now I’ve just got to find the best possible way of accepting and coping with it, hence the notion of forgiveness. This is a topic that I’m highly conflicted about, and I feel as though it goes hand-in-hand with trust. I believe trust is the most important basis of any relationship. 

I trust you is better than I love you, because you can’t always trust the one you love, but you can always love the one you trust. – Frank Ocean

That quote encompasses the importance I place on trust, and honesty within a relationship. The question is, how does this level of trust get built? Why is it so easy to destroy? To me, this comes down to vulnerability. After all, we are all vulnerable. We are all scared, to some extent, of being hurt by someone else. Where this comes from, I don’t know. It’s simply that some people hide it better than others. In my case, I find it incredibly easy to share factual information which may come off as confiding in someone. When it comes to the raw emotions though, it takes someone I truly trust to bring those out. Fortunately, I have met people like that in my life, and I’m glad for that. On the negative side, none of them have stayed – not that it’s their fault or mine, it was good while it lasted.

Basically, the reason I have emphasised trust is because I don’t believe you can forgive, or forget without trusting the person completely. Saying this, I am assuming a relationship will still be maintained, which I think is always the case. If you didn’t want a relationship, why bother processing all the emotional bullshit related to ‘forgiving and forgetting’? Regardless, trust in the other person needs to be present, whether it is an illusion or real. Trust is the basis of all relationships, and without it we wouldn’t be able to function normally in society.

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Complications

The last twenty-four hours have been beyond eventful. An emotional roller coaster, you might call it. It has been filled with drama, deception, and romance. 

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am currently seeing one of my friends, someone that is also friends with my ex. Whether this makes me a horrible person, or not, I am not aware. For the sake of this post, I will refer to my ex as C, and the person I am seeing as A. 

I decided to tell C about A, simply because I didn’t feel the need to protect her feelings. After all, we aren’t together, why should it matter? Needless to say, this didn’t go very well, and understandably so. It’s frustrating in a sense, because the last thing I wanted was for things to become complicated with A. However, as expected, they did, and in a way it was sort of inevitable.

Now here’s the thing I’m pondering over. When does it become okay to be selfish, and not taken into account other people’s feelings and opinions? When are you allowed to live your life the way you want it, doing the things that make you happy? Well, from this last ordeal, I’m starting to think this point never comes. We will constantly be forced to consider other people’s feelings, most of the time before our own, whether consciously or not. Another question that baffles me, given that we weren’t going to let anyone influence us, would we be able to be completely happy? Or is happiness achieved through pleasing other’s around us, sometimes at our own sacrifice? I’ve reached the conclusion that this is purely subjective, and highly depends on the individual and the manner of their relationships. If they gain satisfaction by pleasing others, good for them. However, is this ‘true’ euphoria? I suppose we will never know.

Things are bitter between C and I, and I completely understand why. Perhaps this is how it was meant to work out. After all, being friends with your ex is difficult, and obviously hinders the process of moving forward. From my perspective, this might be the closure required in order to move on. Part of me is hurt that we will (most likely) never be anything remotely close to friends again, but the other half is saying that this is essential. 

 

Stolen Dance

This post is not related to the series, and I promise I’ll finish it, I really will. This is far more interesting though, and is currently occuping 120% of my brain. This post will once again be about relationships, and once again be about my relationships. I’ll start from the unpleasant and move onto the lovely.

As you can probably guess, the unpleasant part is directed at my last relationships, the fragments of which I am still piecing together. I feel as though we’ve finally reached some sort of resolution, of not being friends. The primary reason behind this is because of all our unresolved shit, to put it bluntly. It’s far too exhausting to list all of the, and even more exhausting to work through each one individually. Scanners_headexplodeIn addition, the wounds are too fresh. I have reached the conclusion it is unhealthy (not to say it’s impossible) for ex’s to be friends straight after a breakup. This slightly angers me, but I know it’s for the best. I’m just sick of always having to consider someone else’s feelings, for once I’d just like it to be simple and selfish in a sense.

Now, moving onto the present. As previously discussed in ‘The Orgasm After’, I am currently seeing someone else who also happens to know my ex. Normally, I would not do anything like this because firstly, I would hate it if it ever happened to me, and secondly I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Look at me now. I have decided that it’s time to just relax, and stop putting everyone else’s feelings in front of my own. This ‘fling’ is really nice, and I’m starting to like the person quite a bit. 

This person is fantastic. This whole thing is fantastic. It’s all going great. The only thing I’m concerned about is that it’s still too soon after the breakup. The timing is not ideal. I don’t want to get involved in anything without being completely over my previous relationship, and having a bit of time to be single. Basically, I just want to reach the point where I’m okay being by myself, which is definitely coming. I am starting to like this person quite a bit. It just feels so normal and right, I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not and I don’t think she does either. Not to mention, the sex is fucking fantastic. She’s just amazing. Everything from her differently coloured eyes, to her ability to reason and her interesting opinions. However, what I like most is the ease with which we communicate, communication is definitely one of the key aspects in a relationship and I feel as though we have really nailed it on the head. We’ve decided to remain open and see other people, which is a great idea. I’m not ready to be in a monogamous relationship, even if feelings are starting to develop. I’ve been in a relationships for over three years, it’s time to just enjoy being single. There are also other people, one in particular that I would really like to give it a shot with, so we’ll see how it all goes. Also, any thoughts on this situation will be much appreciated, cheers!

Round Two

This post is just a quick break from the series. I’m going to be discussing the importance of equality and understanding in a relationship, primarily based off my old relationship. This isn’t meant to be negative or ‘pointing the finger’ in any way.

Double standards. Our society is laced with them, so are our relationships. How can we avoid them? Well, we simply can’t. Everywhere you look they exist. The most obvious example would be the difference in treatment between women and men, which has been well covered in the media recently. What causes people to look at a man in his jocks and say “yes, he’s decent”, but as soon as a woman is in her underwear she is viewed as a sex symbol? No. Not good. However, I’m not here to discuss feminism in all it’s aspects, if I were we would be here for hours. No. Instead, I’m simply going to discuss the aspect of double-standards from the perspective of my old relationship.

This is what really pissed me off, and still continues to. Just as I think we’re about to be friends, and be totally fine with seeing other people, I remember painful things about our relationship. It’s safe to say that this makes me really fucking angry. The one thing that sticks out like a sore thumb is the double standards. Let me get this straight, it’s okay to probe around my life? But as soon as I ask you anything then suddenly it’s not up for discussion? What the fuck.
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Now, I’m not saying that I didn’t hold my own double standards, no. I know I’m a hypocrite, I’m merely saying it’s very frustrating and still annoys me, both in society and relationships.

The notion of trying also annoys me. Who is anyone to know when someone is actually trying? Anyone who is existing is trying, and assuming that no one who isn’t coming up with grand gestures isn’t, is plain naive.

The main point is that this is all in the past. It’s just plain ridiculous how out of sync someone can be with your feelings towards something. Perhaps it’s my fault, lack of communication and all that. The whole relationship just makes me frustrated. On a positive note, it’s more of a learning curve. Something to reflect on.

INTERCOURSE

Part two in the series, time to get down to business! This post will be primarily directly at lesbian sex, however I will attempt to make some references to heterosexual intercourse, as well. I’ve decided to split this topic up into two posts, simply because its magnitude. I will cover compare and contrast the two different forms of sex from an emotional level in this post, and from a physical level in the next. Of course, I’m making generalizations based on my own opinions and these do not apply to every male or female.

Let’s start with lesbian sex, the one which I obviously favour more. The thing that really stands out to me would have to be the foreplay. if one thing girls are really good at, it is that. The back tracing, the neck kissing, the hand caressing; it all adds up to something. Even talking about sex seems to be far more erotic with girls. A discussion, with a friend, the other day, sparked by this topic lead me to reach an interesting conclusion.

The main difference between lesbian and heterosexual sex is the motives. With lesbian sex, it is all about mutual pleasure; in most cases you’re more interested in pleasing your partner, rather than your own sexual gratification. The same cannot be said about ‘straight’ sex. I think this is primarily due to the fact that boys climax/reach an orgasm far easier/quicker than males (once again, i am making generalisations). Due to this, it is far easier to focus on merely the males pleasure rather than both partners, causing a far less intimate, and ‘one-sided’ experience. 

As for the actual intercourse, it’s not that different. Of course, oral sex is more prominent in lesbian sex, and this is considered to be the easiest way for a woman to orgasm. However, this is not the only way. Lesbian sex is far more interested in the clit stimulation, but at the end of the day it really comes down to what you fancy, considering that orgasms can still be established from ‘penis-to-vagina’ contact as well. It also depends on how much attention is given to the woman, and her needs. This brings us back to our last point, sexual gratification is positively correlated with the attention given to both people’s needs. The emotional connection established through this mutual concern creates better sex overall.

Basically, this is what I’m trying to say; it doesn’t matter who you have sex with as long as the motives embody both partners. It is impossible to say that one type of sex is better, and it depends on the individual. However, if you are interested in the ‘nitty-gritty’ details stay tuned for next segment where I will be discussing the physical aspects in greater detail. Any general musings/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

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THE ORGASM AFTER

So, after a break-up you’ve got a lot of firsts alone, right? By ‘alone’ I mean not with your significant other, well ex-significant other. There’s the first date, first sex, and most importantly, the first orgasm. Everyone always talks about the first two, but what about the orgasm? I’m going to take a quick break from the series to discuss this.

I’m yet to have the first date, but the orgasm has already happened, and it was fantastic! In a sense, I was worried about my post-relationship sex life. My previous partner was the only person I had ever had an orgasm with before, and I was concerned that it would take a lot of time before I could again. Fortunately, that was not the case.

The sex was incredible, and very unexpected. I will further elaborate my reasonings behind this in the sex series, but to put it simply it was just everything I really fucking like. It was sweet, it was heated, and it was really fucking passionate. There were cuddles, and it wasn’t awkward after. In fact, it was surprisingly normal. After the first time, I was tempted to say, “this should never happen again” but I really wanted it to, and I’m really glad it did. There was neck biting, hip grabbing, and not just one, but multiple orgasms. She was great.

SEX

As promised, I’m going to commence my two week segment on sex, mainly the essence of good sex, today. Before I begin, I would just like to say thank you to everyone to provided some feedback on my last post. Not only is it much appreciated, but I really enjoy hearing other people’s opinions and experiences.

Basically, over these two weeks I’m going to attempt to cover seven major topics. I will do my best to make this series applicable to both heterosexual and lesbian sex.

1. Connection
2. Intercourse Part 1
3. Intercourse Part 2
4. The Orgasm
5. Morning-After
6. Again?
7. Now What?

As you will notice, I have only devoted two segments to the actually ‘intercourse’ part, primarily because, for me, sex is far more than the actual act, and other elements must be taken into consideration. Let’s start with the connection, where it all begins.

Whether it’s a sexy stranger at a bar, or that friend you’ve always had a little crush on, we always from some sort of connection. There will always be some level of sexual attractiveness, even if we are having sex with them for the ‘wrong’ reasons (I use quotations marks because I do not personally believe there are any ‘wrong’ reasons for having sex with someone, too much pressure is enforced on this act. I mean is there a ‘wrong’ reason for eating? No. Sex is human nature. Eating is human nature. Having sex with someone simply because you are trying to get over someone else, or you’re merely having a shit day and would love nothing more than the company of a stranger, does not make it wrong or immoral, let’s keep that in mind.).

Now, I think in order to have good sex it all begins here, with the connection. The stronger your connection is, the better the sex will be, to put it bluntly. Let’s define this. For me, a strong connection is on both an emotional and physical level. In the emotional sense, it’s about being able to easily converse with someone, trust them, and of course, have fun with them. As for the physical side, it’s a lot easier, you just need to find them attractive. Now you’re probably wondering, how you could possibly establish all these emotional elements with a complete stranger? Well, think about it, talking isn’t that hard, right? Trusting someone you barely know might sound ridiculous, but they have never done anything to make you think otherwise, so why the hell not? Having a good time, sharing a laugh? That’s not the hardest thing either. In fact, all these things can be easily established with a perfect stranger, and as for a friend they would have already been formed a long time ago.

I’m merely focusing on the basics here, for the sake of this segment, we’re going to imagine this is just a ‘one-off’ event, and we’re not going to take into consideration any relationship-related aspects. It’s common knowledge that sleeping with someone you’ve met more than once is more likely to be better than a one night stand, and I’m going to agree with that. Even though all these ‘basic connections’ can be established with a stranger, they are not as strong, and as we previously stated, the stronger the connection, the better the sex. Essentially, what I’m trying to say is that it is very possible to have an amazing night of surfing-and-turfing with a complete stranger, but you are far more likely to have a better time with someone you feel close to. We crave attachment, we crave connection, we crave affection. It’s just who we are.

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