Rollercoasters

Lez-b-honest now, when I said a while back that the post about the break-up would be my first and last, I was most definitely lying. The break-up has taken more of a toll on me than expected, and as a result it’s still prominent in my mind. The whole experience is something I would equate to a roller coaster: filled with highs, and lows, but nothing in between. Over the last few weeks I have experienced more emotions than in the last three years of my existence. Break-ups bring out the worst in people, but also the best. 

As a result, I feel as though I’m gaining a sense of individuality. Something I severely lacked during the Relationship. Though not completely, I am discovering what I enjoy, what annoys me, and what I ultimately want, without someone influencing my decisions. As I discussed earlier, the Ex and I have become friends, and I am beyond grateful for that, but, I can’t help but wonder if this is the most constructive manner to handle the situation. However, I feel as though I have gained the ability to be unaffected by people, and to rely more-so on myself. 

Unfortunately, that’s where the positive news stops. As I mentioned earlier, the breakup has been a roller coaster of experiences. Somedays leaving me sixty feet in the sky, and others much closer to sea level. Along with this sense of individuality, which seldom appears, I have strong feelings of isolation. I haven’t discovered if this is due to the fact of me alienating myself from my close, and other friends, or if it’s actually due to being alone, or if it’s due to them just not taking any notice. I am leaning towards the latter. The break up has left me feeling a hundred and ten percent abandoned by nearly everyone that is close to me. This might be due to the fact that I have very few friends that are ‘close’ to me, who knows. It’s left me feeling isolated on levels I didn’t think were possible, and that I certainly haven’t felt before. Perhaps, I’m being unrealistic. What, with having some sort of expectation of people to be there? Even though I’m not sure who. I’m sure this is all important in learning to build resilience, and all, but when it’s late and you have no one to talk to it definitely does not feel pleasant. 

In addition, occasionally I get the need for someone to be there, to fill the gaping hole. Someone to literally hold everything together, and stop it from collapsing around me. Fortunately, these occasions have become less, and less frequently, and I am more than fucking grateful for that. I believe I’m becoming more competent when it comes to dealing with my own shit. I think I’ll be able to properly move on soon. The last thing I’d want to do is bring all this baggage into another relationship.

Basically, the Break-Up has taught me numerous things. Firstly, not to ever, under no circumstance, base your happiness of someone else’s. Secondly, rely on no one. These two things go hand in hand. Be yourself, be an individual, don’t conform in order to fulfil someone else’s wishes. I want to travel, or immerse myself in something else, I need to desperately leave this state-of-mind. I am sick of being alone, and not in a romantic sense. 

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Uncertainty

We are always told that when we have feelings for someone, we’re not allowed to have any doubts. Essentially, we are being asked if we see a long-term future with this person. In my opinion, society and the media should be equally blamed for this delusion. In this post, I will be discussing the unrealistic expectations placed on relationships due to the media and society.

The media is saturated with unrealistic ‘rom-coms’. The whole ‘boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy marries girl’ is repeated time, after time. Some attempt to move beyond this stereotypical depiction of relationships has been made, and we have ourselves to commend for that. The mere phrasing of ‘boy meets girl, etc.’ illustrates the sexist views embedded in our society, views that constantly prefer men (even subtly) and depict men with the power and control. This influences the ideologies within society. Men are seen as having to make the first move. God forbid, a woman ever puts herself out there. It simply isn’t right, right? 

In addition, the idea of finding ‘the one’, is something I find ridiculous. Romantic comedies generally involve a climatic relationship between two individuals (usually heterosexual; yet another underlying ideology embedded in both society, and the media, that we are fortunately moving away from). The result of this, usually, brief encounter is generally a long term relationship. More often than not, marriage. This concept is something I do not agree on. The media (and society as an associate) are implying that all relationships must have some sort of definite finish.

Now, this relates back to my original statement about uncertainty within relationships. In my opinion, no pressure should be placed on the future within a relationship. Similar to my opinion on open relationships (refer to: Open Relationships), I believe it is unfair to put any expectations on your partner. Trying to secure a future together is a simple method of soothing our own uncertainties, and providing us with something concrete. Not only is this selfish, but highly unhealthy for a relationship. Call me idealistic, but I believe relationships should merely be ‘in the moment’. Sure, this might not suit everyone, but I believe by eliminating ‘toxic’ aspects of relationships, such as pressure in regards to the future, and monogamy, the raw essence of a ‘good relationship’ is left. Aspects such as trust are set to flourish, and both individuals are in a low-pressure environment, where they can blossom and be their true selves. I would love to hear from anyone that has any opinions on this controversial matter.

The Reunion

Breakfast, markets, and shopping. What more could one want? Nothing. 

Today, I spent time with my ex, properly, for the first time since the Break-Up. To be honest, it was fantastic. We got along like ‘two peas in a pod’, you might say. No, it was great. Really. This has caused me to rethink my previous theory on the possibilities of ex’s being friends. We ate, we drank, we laughed. It was almost as though nothing had changed.

Things were always complicated between us. Eventually, we both realised this mainly stemmed from a lack of maturity. After all, we were very young when we started dating. We were never ‘just friends’. There was always a romantic interest. However, as our relationship progressed, C became my best friend. Someone I could share everything with, and who I wanted to share every experience with – regardless of whether it was positive or negative. 

Fortunately, this has continued into our present relationship. Regardless of our complicated history, I still continue to consider C one of my closest friends. We are both aware that there is no romantic future for us, and have accepted that. We are both ‘attempting’ to see other people. In my opinion, we have conquered the break up and successfully transitioned into the ‘just-friends’ zone. I believe that complete honesty on both our parts made this possible. 

Honesty solves everything.

Fear

Noun: an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm.
Adjective: be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or harmful.

Today, we will be exploring both definitions of ‘fear’. The majority of my discussion will centre around “fear of the unknown”. I will be exploring the positive and negative effects of fear on a relationship.

While finishing the last of Orange is the New Black today, a thought crossed my mind. Is fear essential in good relationships? Does it ‘keep things interesting’? Take Piper and Alex for example, their relationship is founded on lies, complications, and fear. However, they both keep ‘coming back for more’. Is it safe to conclude that uncertainty is a must in any interesting relationship? I will be exploring two types of fear stemming from uncertainty.

The first type I will be investigating is the fear of being alone. As I have said before, we all crave companionship. We crave love. We crave attention. It’s human nature, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Preferably, it should be accepted and encouraged in a reasonable sense, in order to moderate these needs. It’s perfectly normal to want someone there for you on both an emotional and sexual level, if not one perhaps multiple people. This is a primary example of being afraid of the unknown. With this fear, we are scared of what the future holds without the security of our significant other. In my opinion, this sort of fear pollutes relationships. It can cause self doubt, severe insecurity, and jealousy. 

Secondly, the fear of your significant other leaving you, either for someone else or other reasons. Similarly, this fear also involves being alone. However, in a much less ‘clingy’ manner. To me, this is important in any relationship. When we are faced with complete certainty we tend to put in less effort, and adopt an overly relaxed attitude. Our significant other will be with us through thick or thin, why bother, right? Effort is important, it maintains the passion, it keeps the intensity. Personally, I believe it is because of this certainty that long relationships tend to sour. Without this, we tend to under appreciate our partners, and undervalue them. No healthy relationship can be maintained without respect.

Ultimately, relationships are built on respect. As we begin to fear loneliness and ‘latch’ onto our partners, while ‘wishfully’ believing they will always be there for us, we are ruining relationships. We are severely undervaluing our partners. Fear is essential in any healthy relationship. I believe that the greater the level of fear, within reason, the greater he unpredictability, the rawness, the aggression, that all contributes to a heightened level of passion.

 

 

Bad Hookups

We’ve all had the Mr/Mrs. Too-Much-Tongue, and the tongue gone M.I.A., so in this blog post I will be exploring the notion of a ‘good’ and a ‘bad’ kiss.

For me, the primary driver in hook ups is the amount of chemistry. To put it simply, if someone is grabbing your hips and biting your neck, there is a high chance they want to fuck you. 

According to my theory mentioned above, it’s safe to derive that a bad hookup = bad chemistry, and this is exactly what I believe. If you’re making out with someone simply for the sake of it, with no real passion, there is a high chance they will feel like a dead fish in your mouth. Fortunately, I haven’t had an unpleasant encounter and I think that’s primarily due to a relative level of attraction with my ‘hook-ups’. 

Furthermore, in my opinion, I believe that kisses divulge a great deal of information about a person’s character. I’ll discuss three people in this area.

Firstly, the ‘love’ kiss. This kiss is the type that comes from someone who loves you and is laced with passion. It holds you by the small of your back and pulls your closer. It caresses your face and tucks away whimsy strands of hair. It has a way of making you feeling secure and wanted. Unfortunately, it comes with supposition of mutual feelings.

Secondly, the ‘tender’ kiss. Similar to the kiss of love, it stems from a reasonably strong emotional connection. This is the 4 A.M. kiss. The forehead kiss, the cheek kiss, the soft kiss. It’s the peck, the soft rub of the lips, the trace of your back. Unlike ‘love’, it is the kiss with no expectations, it’s only motive is to give. 

Finally, the kiss of lust, commonly referred to as the ‘drunk hookup’. However, this term has severe negative connotations. This term implies a lack of satisfaction, but in my opinion this could be the best. It’s filled with neck biting, dirty dancing, and hip grabbing. The ‘lust’ kiss is born from passion and built sexual tension. However, when emotions get involved feelings tend to get hurt due to the ‘in the moment’ nature of this. 

Basically, problems start to stem when these overlap. When ‘lust’ mixes with ‘tenderness’ and ‘love’. The level of uncertainty associated with this combination causes emotional turmoil. Of course, nothing is ever ‘clean-cut’, but it is important to realise that in order to be satisfied these must be balanced in a measured manner, with particular leeway given to the kiss most associated with the nature of the relationship. As originally mentioned, the intensity of these levels is what causes chemistry and determines the ‘goodness’ of a hook-up. Basically, if the kiss is balanced correctly in regards to the relationship and the intensity of these levels is high, you have reached equilibrium and in effect, perfection. Of course, this doesn’t stop someone from shoving their tongue down your throat, but I believe in an overall perspective that these are the elements that compile together to create the perfect hookup.

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Business Time

Time to take a break from all the relationship talk, and move onto something far more raunchy, and definitely more interesting: sex. If you have read previous posts on this blog, you will understand that sex is an important part of my life, and I believe it should be given a lot more value on an emotional level. 

For me, sex is more than just the act itself, it provides definition and solidifies your feelings towards someone. A theory that I have held consistent throughout my life, is that as soon as the sex starts failing the relationship is bound to go downhill. Having said that, this decline in the quality of the relationship works at it’s own pace, taking up to years to complete it’s journey. Sex is an important part of any relationship. Without sex, it’s basically a close friendship with some added intimacy. However, as soon as sex becomes a chore and is no longer a regular occurrence, warning bells should be flashing. I’m not saying that one night of being ‘too tired’ is a reason to question the relationship, however if this behaviour continues it may be a sign that your relationship is failing. 

What makes sex so significant? Coming from my experience in monogamous relationships, sex is something you want to share with one person. Without this level of intimacy, other forms of affinity gradually begin to wear away. This decline in libido could be due to various causes. You might not be attracted to your partner in a sexual manner anymore, it may be due to a decline in understand, or simply due to sickness. It’s a given that the amount of sex declines as the relationship matures, possibly due to the fact that it is no longer ‘new’, however as soon as the quality decreases one should question the authenticity of their relationship. I would be really interested to hear thoughts on this topic. How much importance do you place on sex? Is it essential in a relationship? It’s fairly obvious where I stand, but I’d love to know what you think.

 

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Invitations

Relationships and friendships are all initiated by an invitation, no matter how big or small. Now, this notion confounds me. From a personal sense, the idea that I have willingly invited everyone, who has some sort of influence over me, into my life is daunting. This is primarily because they don’t always leave the most pleasant remains after they leave.

In this post I will be discussing three different forms of ‘invitations’. Firstly, friendship. Friendship, for me, is simply sharing and creating experiences with someone you find remotely interesting, and whose company you enjoy. However, more often than not, friendships turn into romance. The thought of letting someone be an influence in your life isn’t that scary, really. However, these relationships tend to blossom, and as time goes by this influence grows. Sometimes, almost to the point, where they are one of the primary causal factors in your life. When we accept a friendship, we are rarely considering this fact. It is accepted in the simplest of senses because we are unaware of what may possibly happen.

Secondly, a romantic relationship. For the feasibility, we are going to assume this relationship didn’t begin with a friendship. Now, these sorts of relationships are my personal favourite. More often than not, they’re incredibly simple, and often end with minimal damage. The simple start, and simple end are the sorts of relationships I find the nicest, but not necessarily the best. The idea of inviting someone into your life romantically, does not necessarily mean you have to be vulnerable, unlike a friendship. You are not obliged to share a great deal with them, or even confide in them. That being said, this isn’t essential in a friendship but tends to happen as the friendship flourishes – willingly or not. I am not implying vulnerability will never happen, it is not simply not a prerequisite, as it can be with some friendships.

Lastly, in a sexual manner. This notion interests me the most. I’m primarily referring to one night stands, and hookups. For me, this illustrates the humans need for connection (or simply an outlet for our sexual needs). Finding comfort in the arms of a stranger at 2AM is a common occurrence, and often doesn’t lead to much more. Possibly, an exchange of numbers and a repeat of the night’s events. Personally, I’m not one for random hookups that last a night, I prefer getting to know someone, talking with them, and seeing how things progress. For me, one night stands, create an ideology that we need to repress our emotional feelings and simply use sex as an outlet. In my opinion, they’re the product of heartbreaks and broken trust. That being said, each to his/her own.

Resolutions

In this post I’m going to be discussing the notion of forgiving and forgetting. What does it mean? Can it be achieved? If so, how easily? What other factors contribute to this?

As you are all well aware, my relationships are complicated beyond all means. Primarily due to my own doing. Congratulations Bek. 
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However, I’ve made my bed, now I’ve just got to find the best possible way of accepting and coping with it, hence the notion of forgiveness. This is a topic that I’m highly conflicted about, and I feel as though it goes hand-in-hand with trust. I believe trust is the most important basis of any relationship. 

I trust you is better than I love you, because you can’t always trust the one you love, but you can always love the one you trust. – Frank Ocean

That quote encompasses the importance I place on trust, and honesty within a relationship. The question is, how does this level of trust get built? Why is it so easy to destroy? To me, this comes down to vulnerability. After all, we are all vulnerable. We are all scared, to some extent, of being hurt by someone else. Where this comes from, I don’t know. It’s simply that some people hide it better than others. In my case, I find it incredibly easy to share factual information which may come off as confiding in someone. When it comes to the raw emotions though, it takes someone I truly trust to bring those out. Fortunately, I have met people like that in my life, and I’m glad for that. On the negative side, none of them have stayed – not that it’s their fault or mine, it was good while it lasted.

Basically, the reason I have emphasised trust is because I don’t believe you can forgive, or forget without trusting the person completely. Saying this, I am assuming a relationship will still be maintained, which I think is always the case. If you didn’t want a relationship, why bother processing all the emotional bullshit related to ‘forgiving and forgetting’? Regardless, trust in the other person needs to be present, whether it is an illusion or real. Trust is the basis of all relationships, and without it we wouldn’t be able to function normally in society.

Complications

The last twenty-four hours have been beyond eventful. An emotional roller coaster, you might call it. It has been filled with drama, deception, and romance. 

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am currently seeing one of my friends, someone that is also friends with my ex. Whether this makes me a horrible person, or not, I am not aware. For the sake of this post, I will refer to my ex as C, and the person I am seeing as A. 

I decided to tell C about A, simply because I didn’t feel the need to protect her feelings. After all, we aren’t together, why should it matter? Needless to say, this didn’t go very well, and understandably so. It’s frustrating in a sense, because the last thing I wanted was for things to become complicated with A. However, as expected, they did, and in a way it was sort of inevitable.

Now here’s the thing I’m pondering over. When does it become okay to be selfish, and not taken into account other people’s feelings and opinions? When are you allowed to live your life the way you want it, doing the things that make you happy? Well, from this last ordeal, I’m starting to think this point never comes. We will constantly be forced to consider other people’s feelings, most of the time before our own, whether consciously or not. Another question that baffles me, given that we weren’t going to let anyone influence us, would we be able to be completely happy? Or is happiness achieved through pleasing other’s around us, sometimes at our own sacrifice? I’ve reached the conclusion that this is purely subjective, and highly depends on the individual and the manner of their relationships. If they gain satisfaction by pleasing others, good for them. However, is this ‘true’ euphoria? I suppose we will never know.

Things are bitter between C and I, and I completely understand why. Perhaps this is how it was meant to work out. After all, being friends with your ex is difficult, and obviously hinders the process of moving forward. From my perspective, this might be the closure required in order to move on. Part of me is hurt that we will (most likely) never be anything remotely close to friends again, but the other half is saying that this is essential. 

 

Stolen Dance

This post is not related to the series, and I promise I’ll finish it, I really will. This is far more interesting though, and is currently occuping 120% of my brain. This post will once again be about relationships, and once again be about my relationships. I’ll start from the unpleasant and move onto the lovely.

As you can probably guess, the unpleasant part is directed at my last relationships, the fragments of which I am still piecing together. I feel as though we’ve finally reached some sort of resolution, of not being friends. The primary reason behind this is because of all our unresolved shit, to put it bluntly. It’s far too exhausting to list all of the, and even more exhausting to work through each one individually. Scanners_headexplodeIn addition, the wounds are too fresh. I have reached the conclusion it is unhealthy (not to say it’s impossible) for ex’s to be friends straight after a breakup. This slightly angers me, but I know it’s for the best. I’m just sick of always having to consider someone else’s feelings, for once I’d just like it to be simple and selfish in a sense.

Now, moving onto the present. As previously discussed in ‘The Orgasm After’, I am currently seeing someone else who also happens to know my ex. Normally, I would not do anything like this because firstly, I would hate it if it ever happened to me, and secondly I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Look at me now. I have decided that it’s time to just relax, and stop putting everyone else’s feelings in front of my own. This ‘fling’ is really nice, and I’m starting to like the person quite a bit. 

This person is fantastic. This whole thing is fantastic. It’s all going great. The only thing I’m concerned about is that it’s still too soon after the breakup. The timing is not ideal. I don’t want to get involved in anything without being completely over my previous relationship, and having a bit of time to be single. Basically, I just want to reach the point where I’m okay being by myself, which is definitely coming. I am starting to like this person quite a bit. It just feels so normal and right, I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not and I don’t think she does either. Not to mention, the sex is fucking fantastic. She’s just amazing. Everything from her differently coloured eyes, to her ability to reason and her interesting opinions. However, what I like most is the ease with which we communicate, communication is definitely one of the key aspects in a relationship and I feel as though we have really nailed it on the head. We’ve decided to remain open and see other people, which is a great idea. I’m not ready to be in a monogamous relationship, even if feelings are starting to develop. I’ve been in a relationships for over three years, it’s time to just enjoy being single. There are also other people, one in particular that I would really like to give it a shot with, so we’ll see how it all goes. Also, any thoughts on this situation will be much appreciated, cheers!